dXs - Lost Cause

xerophobia@phayze.com — Mon, 08 Apr 2002 04:55:52 GMT

For anyone who hasn't figured it out, my new journal has been Xenostar.

xerophobia@phayze.com — Sun, 24 Mar 2002 05:40:49 GMT

I'm going to bed, I know therewill be no making up this time. But hell who cares? She annoys me anyway.

Rachel, I'll come over tomorrow as I offered before. Somwhere around 12-3pm...as I told Leanne I'd see her one more time and such. And ignore Kristen, seriously, don't even say anything else to her, she'll lose interest in this.

xerophobia@phayze.com — Sun, 24 Mar 2002 05:22:39 GMT

Remind me that I never want to fall in love again. I was happier when I was empty.

xerophobia@phayze.com — Sun, 24 Mar 2002 04:53:37 GMT

I believed she was going to try harder this time. I didn't think I'd be abandoned on the very next day I decided this would be the final time I allow myself to feel like shit for this girl. I'm sorry you had a shitty day, and I'm glad you had fun. But you didn't talk to me once til the day was almost over. I don't need that, I need attention, I will miss you. Just not tonight.

F*CK

xerophobia@phayze.com — Sun, 24 Mar 2002 03:43:11 GMT

I'm lonely. Depending on someone to be happy sucks...

xerophobia@phayze.com — Sun, 24 Mar 2002 03:20:42 GMT

Now I'm both upset and worried. Kristen still isn't on...I feel neglected and avoided...but at the same time I'm worried that something may have happened. But her line is still busy. So I don't think anything happened, otherwise the phone would be free. Perhaps her phone line broke again, but normally she'd have fixed it by now. And I think her mom's boyfriend guy worked on it before too. Let's just pray she has a good excuse for this.

I wish I had some friends at this point. Too bad I'm not so lucky.

xerophobia@phayze.com — Sat, 23 Mar 2002 18:46:06 GMT

Ok, so I have to go to work in less than an hour and she's still not on. And as usual I can't call her. Bullshit. Oh well, I'm going to go eat insted of waiting anymore. That or just drive around for an hour since I already ate. But now the new mood set for my day is let down. So I'm going to work upset, I'm coming home upset. I'm out of here though.

(now it's 2:20 and time for me to go)
I stayed on longer insted of leaving...but..I got nothing.
Thanks for letting me down this time...
*sighs*

xerophobia@phayze.com — Sat, 23 Mar 2002 17:33:13 GMT

I decided against the idea of a private journal. Actually I'm considering starting a paper one. But hell, this one will remain free to all.

Kristen went offline when I came on. That's sad. Especially because I was actually considering sleeping more before I remembered it's Saturday and she has no school. So I like freaked out and rushed online. And...she's still not back. She said she was going to "chill" with Maygen today, but yeah if she did that before I went to work I'll get all upset and stuff because...because...yes! Well yeah she gets mad at me doing things insted of talking to her, and I made sure to tell her I'd be on before I work for her. Grr.

Kristen is fighting with Rachel, that's interesting. Rachel isn't attacking back very well though. Most of Rachel's responses are incomplete sentences that don't make much, if any, sense. But who would expect a fight from a weird jealous girlfriend out of no where anyway.

Bah where are you Kristen?

xerophobia@phayze.com — Fri, 22 Mar 2002 19:30:46 GMT

All my journal entries are private from this day forward. I don't want the accusations of wanting attention from what I post.

xerophobia@phayze.com — Fri, 22 Mar 2002 17:12:45 GMT

I'm still alive, if anyone cares. I wasn't just being dramatic last night though.

I turned off all the lights, turned on Tapping the Vein because it makes me think of her, and then I outlined some of my veins with a pen...and before I did it I got a little control and left my room and told my mom to take me to a mental hospital before I hurt myself. That turned into a huge arguement and now...nothing will ever be the same in my life again. I regret not doing it at this point.

I wish I could just kiss her a final time...I hate myself.

xerophobia@phayze.com — Fri, 22 Mar 2002 03:45:55 GMT

...I make the most stupid mistakes. The only person I'll ever have loved...is gone. She won't come back this time. And I won't ask her to. She doesn't deserve those things. She so much better than me. She'll never find anyone like me who will love her, and hate her again. Hopefully someone will just love her someday. Life has been so cruel to such a beautiful girl. She ought to get something in return.

Goodbye Kristen...I'll miss you.

xerophobia@phayze.com — Thu, 21 Mar 2002 17:48:18 GMT

I'm sleepy. Quite so. I had some dreams last night. Lots of them involved me breaking the law, and some ex girlfriends trying to blow up my house. That had something to do with Kristen throwing heavy objects at their cars. I have weird dreams. But some of my other dreams would show that I'm sexually frustrated. How...fun. I just hate being a guy, it takes girls a lot longer to reach points like this. Then the circumstances that say I won't be having sex for a while again. *blinks* Not that I mind, but yeah...argh, I dunno..I hate sex usually. Gr.

SO! Anyway...I asked my mom if I could bring Kristen over Sunday, but she said no because I have to get my ticket thing taken care of. I decided that I'm going to send the ticket and an excuse in the mail instead of going into court and defending my case. Just because I feel like I'll get the same amount accomplished. And if I get that done, my mom SHOULD let Kristen come over for Sunday. Because yeah I miss laying in my bed with Kristen. Long distance relationships suck because you never get to be alone. Especially now that Kristen and I can't stay in her house together for more than a minute, even if anyone is home. So now the only places we can eve just lay and hold each other is my car, and my house. And my house can only be accessed on days she doesn't have school because it takes a lot of driving. So I miss simple things like that more than you could ever imagine.

I saw Kristen 2 days ago...but somehow I begin to miss her so badly from the point she leaves my car to walk into her house. I used to just kinda sit and watch her go into her house. That was so nice. But now I have to drive away instantly or I'll cry. I hate that to be honest. But it's nice caring about someone like that. God I miss her.

Fuck I gotta get off my computer and take a shower so I can go get some food and get my ass to work. I don't want to eat at work anymore because it's even more greasy than fast food places. Actually I want to just go eat at Subway and have something almost good for myself for once. I'd just have a roast beef sandwich, but that's good considering a roast beef sub isn't that fattening and a sandwich is half the size? *shuts up and heads for the shower*

xerophobia@phayze.com — Wed, 20 Mar 2002 06:18:27 GMT

You are in a long distance relationship, and it's hard. You know it is but you just love that certain someone so much. Even if it hurts to be away. Don't worry, you'll see them soon!

What's weird. I remember dedicating this song to Kristen on my journal a long long while ago.

Her and I spent today together. I love spending time with her, it's a feeling I can't compare. Lately I've been feeling like she wasn't enough, she knew it, and I knew it. Today I realized I was wrong. But I still told her a few things that will help her be more for me. And I know I'm not the greatest either, and I need to work harder to make her happier. As usual I wouldn't trade my time with her today for the world. Even if she did get out of the car and abandon me for a while. Silly girl.

We saw Resident Evil. I'd never been so happy sitting in a movie theatre with anyone in my entire life. But...this was something new. Anyway, I liked the movie, I got paranoid because I believe the movie is entirely possible to happen in reality. Kristen said it wasn't. She also said Jurassic Park was impossible as well. I believe she's just brain washed. It brings me back to watching The Faculty. How they said that movies were just putting the idea of what is fiction into our minds so we'd be blind to the truth. I believe zombies can be created if you can spark the right cells in the brains of the dead within an hour of their death. That seems entirely possible to me.

I didn't like the end of the movie though...it was sad. It's one of the few movies where the good guys lose. Well, the movie didn't really end, but she was half naked and alone in a world full of the living dead. Sure, she can survive an underground building with 8 other people dying one by one around her and keeping her from death. But yeah fuck, a whole city with just a shot gun, wearing nothing but a paper dress and a lab coat. Good luck bitch. I'd hate living in a world like that. Where I have to fight the dead just to stay alive. And even worse trying to keep the people around me alive and watching them die. But I believe that on some level I'd enjoy it. Violence is in my nature...and I'd love snapping zombie's necks and shooting them in the head. I also think I'd be able to live pretty well. But as long as it was in a city, and I wasn't stuck in a building like they were. I hate confined spaces as it is..if I were stuck in one filled with dead people grabbing at me, I'd shoot myself first.

*smiles* Actually I loved the movie. The girl next to me made it better though. Just because I enjoy watching scary movies with someone I can at least hold hands with. (yes I'm SO grade school romance) But now I want to go see more scary movies with her. But she doesn't want to see Jason X with me. I'll still talk her into it. I'd see any movie for her and such...I was even going to survive Harry Potter for her. *twitch*

I've got to work from tomorrow til Saturday. 3 p.m. til close each day. But I should make over $200 those 4 days alone. My mom also told me to talk to Elise this week and offer to design a tattoo for her. My mom said if she lets me, then when Elise gets the one I design done, then I can get one too. So I can get my wrist stars. Whoo.

I miss Kristen all ready again. But yeah I'll try seeing her this Sunday. I'm still trying to plan her birthday. I want to take her out and do something really special. I'm getting her something that it very very special though. Because it's something I don't think she expects me to get for her. She told me she wanted them before and I promised I'd get them once I started working. Hopefully that didn't give it away. But yeah I want to take her somewhere nice, I just don't know where. I don't have really any idea what her specialty tastes are....but, I'll try to do something very special. Actually I hope it's warm, because I do have an idea for something special to do outside. *smiles* And yes I want to be very sweet and like earn...boyfriend points? *shrugs* Pretend I'm cool.

General thought. Who reads my journal now? If you do...reply. No matter who you are.

xerophobia@phayze.com — Tue, 19 Mar 2002 00:59:59 GMT

"yeah"

"i was happy today. he makes me so happy. unless he's making me sad."

I can't take this anymore...I'm to the point where I cry over nothing again.

xerophobia@phayze.com — Mon, 18 Mar 2002 08:24:37 GMT

So...she mentions me now, just not the way I wanted her to. I want to feel special, not just be talked about like I'm some person. She's good at making me feel special...sometimes. But not recently. Not for a while.
Reading the above after posting it made me cry for some reason.

A lot of things are bothering me now. ALOT. Perhaps...too many. I feel like I'm being eatin alive. Things upon things. Her intentions are best....but she still doesn't get some things. Things I can't explain. I've tried. It's just...something I must live with. Heh...I can't even go out of my way to say all the things I feel in my own journal, that's a little...bothersome. Along with the rest of the thousand things. Ick.

Since when was life said to be easy? I just have to harden my skin a little more with the hurt. Some days, I don't remember why I let my guard down.

Where is my fairy told story for this situation?

xerophobia@phayze.com — Sun, 17 Mar 2002 17:48:19 GMT

I'm going out today. I'm getting my hair cut, then I've got to spend a while with David and Shawn because I'm asking Shawn for a few favours and it would be rude to take what I want and go. Also I'll try to get my ears pierced more.

Later tonight I'm remixing a Garbage - Androgyny. (Don't ask, I just finally got the materials to do an actual remix and I'm going to do it goddamnit.)

xerophobia@phayze.com — Sun, 17 Mar 2002 08:21:36 GMT

I have a fun job, that pays me enough now. I'm wore out from it, but I still enjoy it. I wanted the job badly because I wanted to get Kristen something good for her birthday. I told her for a while I'd make her birthday this year worth while, and yeah when it hit mid March I started freaking out about it, Kristen's entry reminded me about this. I know what I'm getting her. The first thing is _________ ______ _________, then something or other involving her hair, but that's not really for sure yet, and honestly I still hope it doesn't happen, and then something else that I won't even hint on because I'm not sure. But yeah after all those things I'm also taking her out. So yeah I'm happy. So far I have $120 saved for this. I need more. But I've got to work like 3 more days and I'll have over $250. I like getting paid under the table, you make more, and you get it right away.

Heh...I'm so grateful about some things. Specifically her. I love her. I always will. She's just everything in the world that has ever been beyond belief in the most beautiful human body. Heh, and I've been in a 7 month relationship with her. That's so amazing to think. That much time..and I still love her more all the time. Even if I take her for granted or occasionally lose my mind. Ok I want to ramble about her more, but I may have to work tomorrow. So I need sleep.

I'm getting a hair cut tomorrow. I've decided on going back to short spikes with long bangs. Only this time my bangs are only past my eyes. I'm going to leave...more than my bangs eh...I have pictures that like no one has seen, because I have no more site to put them on. Since I'm working I'll have a domain name in a few weeks. Just for the pure hell of it. I just need some time to code shit before I get the domain name. Just in case I don't have time to do it later.

Kay enough out of me.

xerophobia@phayze.com — Fri, 15 Mar 2002 18:09:49 GMT

Thinking...my anti-strong point. The only thoughts I'm good at are non emotional ones. When it comes to the things that matter I can't tell left from right...then there are always "good ideas" and "ideas that will ruin everything". I mistake them easily, and I don't know how. I made a few decisions relating to me not making anymore important decisions. In other words, I'm letting the choices be made for me now. Weither or not I'm happy.

I've got to go to work at 3. Standing for 7 hours today doesn't seem all that promising. Actually I was told I'd be shopping first. How....fun. Heh, but yeah work is work. I'd rather get paid for shopping than for washing dishes. To be honest this is the easiest job I've ever had. It's like working at Three Hermano's (mexican place I worked at for a lil) only more fun and less busy. Last night my mom got off of work at like 5, just as I was coming in. Tonight I have to work with her though. She's the manager so she'll be in the back and behind the bar most of the time anyway. While I'm in that fucking hot kitchen. Oh and goddamnit, to get the job as the gas docks at the boat club I have to wear shorts...that means I can't shave my legs anymore. Argh, I can't stand that. I have to find a way to get around it.

I love my sketch book. I drew something very nice in it. I'm going to draw one thing a day. or try to anyway. *yawns* Ick...2 hours. Yeah I'm cutting this short so I can draw then shower.

xerophobia@phayze.com — Fri, 15 Mar 2002 06:05:25 GMT

Now not only unwanted, but now I feel unappreciated. I don't get at all what I need. someitimes, I feel she's selfish. But, maybe due to the situation I'm being selfish. Still for the past week, I've hid my feelings over this. In fact I've done so well, no one will even understand what I'm talking about, not even her. Which is sort of the goal maybe. Actually, who knows anymore. I've been begging god, the one I used to make fun of, and bitch about, for alot of help lately. I made "him" another promise tonight. One I intend to keep, no matter what. Because this situation needs it. I just hope my prayer will be answered. As it was that night in the car. When I ask for help it's usually provided for me, but only if I offer to end a "sin". Or at least end a disire I have that's considered wrong.

So God...please help this time...and I'll do as I said.

I worked all day today, I took a break in between and stole some things. A Garbage CD, a blank sketch book, a steering wheel cover, and some drawing materials. I got more things. I just don't remember them. I've been stealing alot lately. It's becoming a compulsive urge. I take things I don't even want. I stole a DBZ Vegeta shirt today. I really honestly didn't want it. I just wanted to take something big. I like taking risks. I love the thrill that comes with doing this....I'm a bad kid. But this is common. The sketch book I took is bigger than my head. Everyone (Jessyka, Shawn, and Stacy) were completely in awe that I managed to get something so large. Perhaps I have a talent for this. Among the many other talents I have. But I still don't feel challenged.

My legs hurt. I'm tired. Fuck off.

xerophobia@phayze.com — Thu, 14 Mar 2002 15:08:31 GMT

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<font face="verdana size="0">I've been thinking since last night. The way she treated me yesterday...recent events where she doesn't mention me. Past events where she was happier without me.

I feel unwanted by her.

xerophobia@phayze.com — Wed, 13 Mar 2002 21:54:18 GMT

I have feelings that I couldn't give a fuck about some things anymore. Something has happened, she'll damage herself over it because she doesn't think I care. Which obviously shows how much she cares about me. This is the one situation that would let me push her out of my life forever. And if the situation is only paranoia, then I can only reconsider the new configuration of how things will be from now on. But I believe that right now...as much as she needs me, I need her too. I need her to think about what she says for me. And if she can't do that. She can't expect me to do anything similar.

I need something to do this week. I wish I could drive...I just need to be out of the house today. I'd take a walk, but I'm not in a calming mood. I wouldn't enjoy anything how I normally would. I feel like going to see one of my friends. Someone who will make me forget things. I promised her I'd be home alot more...and look what it gets me. Yes, this was a good plan. I love her, but I don't like being expected to do all the work. She has to learn to give me more too. Even in this situation, I need her to maintain control...insted of telling me things that will kill me.

Oh well. Maybe she can hate me like her friends do.

xerophobia@phayze.com — Tue, 12 Mar 2002 06:17:45 GMT

I hate some people. Some people...many people hate me. I'm not sure if the things are connected, but the people who hate me don't know me anyway. And anyone else who could hate me is long since a lost friend. I've decided that I could talk my mom into letting me leave dispite my ticket and need for a court appearance. Anyway, lately my social life has been shit because I've re-cut myself off from everyone. Random people detest me, not that they matter, and I just have nothing right now. But I'm still happy. Happy that Kristen is still mine, and happy that things are getting better with that, though it makes some things harder when it comes to other people. I don't mind that much though, because nothing comes near to being as important as her. Something only I understand.

If you're still my friend (I have about...3 of you) feel special that you survived my moodswings with your heads. Few of you did. Not that I started off with so many in the first place. And if you're my enemy or simply on my bad side, just stay away. I've been quite violent lately I've noticed. 5 years without a fight to a member of my dad's family can bring out the worst in us. But if I get in a fight, I'm going to unload all of my aggression...it's a pity, the person I hurt probibly won't even deserve it. I should have took things out on the right people when I had the chances, but chances pass by without a second thought....blah.

On a lighter note...I am the only true god.

xerophobia@phayze.com — Mon, 11 Mar 2002 00:40:01 GMT

So...I'm alive, and quite satisfied. I had an episode...quite a large breakdown in fact. And obviously I worried people. A few people reacted like I did it for attention...but I didn't. If I wanted attention I'd be nice to people and collect friends. Sometimes I don't care what other people think, I won't apologize for being myself. Kristen posted some things on her journal that made me look bad, but to be honest I don't mind it anymore because they are things I did say, and even though I never ment to share them with anyone else. But, I can't blame her for wanting to teach me a lesson, it is just something that won't happen again.

I've lost a friend I guess, because she said something to me that attacked me for being myself. PMS or not, we've done this, and I don't care now. Heh, i'm not doing this again. Who needs friends anyway.

So yeah I spent yesterday and the day before with Kristen. the days were nice. Too bad they ended.

I got in a car accident...

And...I have quite a large collection of body jewelry, just no where to put it all. Damn my non 18 age.

xerophobia@phayze.com — Fri, 08 Mar 2002 15:38:39 GMT

The day after...

I survived. But regretfully. This was the worst thing I've ever done in my life. It was pointless, it was painful, and it was...everything I shouldn't ever do. Last night...I lost blood, alot. I kept teasing myself with the razor, hearing her asking me to not do it. I just realized...I was alone again. She couldn't take me into her arms and kiss away the pain anymore like she could before. She said that she had more fun when she didn't have to put up with me, with how I am. I wanted another chance...one to prove myself. She only said "Whatever you want" And that made me understand more. I'm not going to guilt her, I'm not going to beg her, and I'm not going to threaten myself for her to be with me like she does with me to her. At this point, I wish for her to make the final choice on her own words. I'm going to see her today, and give her a book I stole for her yesterday. I want her to tell me she wants to try again. Even though I've hurt her and hurt her. I know...that if I could have another chance..then I'd treat her so much better. Because right now I'm dying, slowly...but surely. I'll be seeing her before she gets a chance to read this, so that way if she does want me, it'll be her decision. But.......for now, I just want to end my own pain and take my life. Death could be so much less painful than last night, today, and if she says nothing...the rest of my life.

xerophobia@phayze.com — Fri, 08 Mar 2002 04:02:31 GMT

This is how my story ends.

I've hoped you enjoyed it. I wish I could tell you why it ends this way, but it's just another thing that goes without explaination. No more love, no more life. I will lay here, sulk, probibly begin to use drugs again, fall more into depression...probibly end my life. I will see her one more time...then...nothing. Those beautiful eyes, no longer mine...though I never felt they were. She rebeled against me so often, I felt like she never really cared about the things I did. None the less...I will never wake up with her in my arms, never see her face in the soft light of the dark. I will never kiss the lips, the ones I've been so fond of for so long. I will never....

...